To say the streets in Seattle are steep is to say tornados sort of spin around a little.  The streets near Columbia Center are the rule for Seattle not the exception, which is to say they are really fucking hilly.  The ups and downs are brake burners and they scared the hell out of Eddie as he drove.  The smoking calipers of the mid-sized U-Haul didn’t just protest against the stress of the slope, they threw a bitch fit and warped more than usual.

Eddie wanted to bitch too, but couldn’t be a coward in front of Sara.  A guy who had killed his lover’s husband couldn’t really admit to fear.  He wanted to be a good guy for Sara.  Inside his head he laughed at the thought of murder making him a good guy.  He changed the thought to being a good man for Sara.  For the first time, in a very long time, he was proud of himself as he navigated the streets with grim faced determination.  All in all, Cherry Street still sucked but he could hack the sweat under his shirt.

Sara’s voice distracted Eddie when she said, “Are you excited about the new couple?”
Eddie considered his response.  He always did that around her, “My head is still spinning a little.  I mean here I am, getting to fuck random people, with you in the room, having sex and setting up something that weaker people wouldn’t have the stomach for.  It’s kind of weird.”

Sara patted his leg, close to his crotch, “Is it the moral question or just worried about being caught?”

Eddie didn’t really understand and shook his head no.

Sara answered like a high school teacher, “We both survived the abyss and now we can use that experience to our advantage.”

Eddie wondered what an abyss was.

Sara continued, “When you stood there and watched Candy, you looked into the darkness and didn’t blink.  You stepped up to the cliff, with nothing but darkness in the huge open abyss and you didn’t blink.  You stayed smart, managed something that would freak most people entirely and in the end you got paid.  More importantly, that strength got you noticed by me.  You made a choice.  One that fit the circumstances and benefited you and frankly it seems to be what Candy wanted, or she wouldn’t have eaten the way she did.  She was begging for that.”

Eddie missed most of what Sara meant, still wondering about what an abyss was and even how to spell it so he could look it up.  “I didn’t mean for Candy to die.  I was just… I don’t know, it was odd.”

Sara urged him on, “Was Candy was the first time you participated in a death?”

Eddie’s eyes glazed a bit, “Yeah, um sure.  Do you want some coffee?”

Sara pressured him “Baby, you need to remember Nick was self-defense.  You did it to protect me, you could have just run out the door and left me with him and things would have turned out really differently.  I might be stuck back with him instead of moving in with you.”

The thought of Sara living with any other man was like a knife in his chest, but Eddie had other doubts as well and said, “If I did it for any other reason, then I’m headed to being a  murderer.  I mean, if I did it again without there being a protection of you reason. Wouldn’t that be like wanting it, like a, I don’t know.  Aren’t people who kill like that crazy people?”

Sara leaned over and kissed his cheek as he drove, “Babe, even if you turned out to be ok with killing that doesn’t make you crazy; maybe a murderer, but not crazy.  The crazy ones want to get caught so they are stopped.  You aren’t that.  For us, it would be more like, being a government paid professional sniper, except we don’t do it for assholes who want someone dead; we would only do it to people who really wanted to be dead.  Think of it like, assisted suicide.

Sara tapped Eddie on the arm and pointed out the window toward an independent coffee cart.  He instantly pulled to the side of the street and without a word, got out and ordered her coffee and one for himself.  He got back in the truck, puts in two sugars, stirred it and handed her the drink.  He put on his seat belt, safety first, and pulled back into traffic.   Eddie finally ask the question that had been really bothering him, “Do we have any limits?”

Sara looked surprised and finally said, “No kids; nothing with kids anymore.  I don’t have a good reason, but no kids.  Not even by accident.  Children are not collateral damage; they deserve to decide for themselves what they will be.”  Sara’s face clouded and her control slipped, “I mean it, damn it, no fucking kids, kids need something better, kids need hope and some freedom to grow into what they are supposed to be, not what we decide they are.”

Eddie felt the blast furnace of her emotion and since he didn’t really care what happened to kids he figured he could let her have that for sure.  It did make him wonder about what Nick had done and how that affected her.  That thought didn’t last very long because he didn’t want her good mood ruined, so he quickly agreed, “That would piss the gods off.”  His next thought troubled him.  What was a kid, how old was someone before Sara put them on the block.   He knew he couldn’t hide from his past forever but now wasn’t the time to ask the question.  Sara saved him from his thoughts.

“God, not gods.  There’s only one God and yes, it would piss him off and I don’t have a justification for killing kids.  Everyone else is fair game, if it’s what someone needs.”

Eddie rephrased the thought, not KILLING kids, what about Nick and fucking them.  Wouldn’t that be as bad or worse?  He went back to confused, “That’s pretty arbitrary isn’t it?  I mean the everyone else.”

Sara glowered, “So?  Life if pretty fucking arbitrary.”  The drive continued in silence.

Each was lost in the past for a bit and they sipped coffee, both not willing to take the topic back up.  Twenty minutes later the truck pulled up to Eddie’s house.  Eddie couldn’t stand the silence of Sara’s inner musing on cause and effect and who lives and who dies.  He tried for a humorous tone, “Babe, you can be kind of scary.”

Sara opened her door, stepped out, brushed her hands on her thighs and said, “Oh Babe, I am, by far, not the scariest woman in my family.”  She laughed with a mixture of lightness and foreboding.

Eddie wondered about that for a second, she never talked about her family.  He figured she was one of those people, like him, who was estranged from family or they were all dead.  That thought chilled him deeply and he ventured one more question, “Did Nick really want to be killed?”

Sara put her hands on her hips and turned to challenge Eddie, “You keep talking about Nick.  Do you think a leopard thinks about what it killed last week?  Learn from the past and make sure it doesn’t come back to bite you.  For any other purpose, just forget him.  Forget anyone that you helped move on to God.  They are better for it.  Now help me move this stuff in so we can get naked.  I need a good fuck.”